Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
