it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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