An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
