life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
