I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
