I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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