You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
