I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
