I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize