Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
