at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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