What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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