what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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