I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
