Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Let's get the cat blown out
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
