I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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