If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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