This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
