We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
