Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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