He uses pillows to masturbate.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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