I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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