if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
