I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
