Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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