My friends, they love my intelligence
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
