I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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