I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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