I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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