i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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