dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
