be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
