I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize