I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
