I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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