last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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