please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
