Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she told me i tasted like america
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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