Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
