What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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