he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
