How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
