I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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