Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
