he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
