Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Someone came in the potted fern
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
