i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
