My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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