all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
