she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
