And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize