just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
