recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize