Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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