i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
