Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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