How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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