I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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