i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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