i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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