I'm going to jail i love you
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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